For many of us who carry childhood trauma, chronic illness, or histories of self-harm, the future never felt guaranteed. We may of spent years convinced ourselves we wouldn’t live past 30—whether by dying by suicide, the gravity of our pain, or the belief the future was not ours to own. Sometimes it feels like our bodies are a battleground, not a home. Aging felt like a Jackson Pollock painting, something that happened in the movies or to other people.
It feels like one day we wake up and turn 40, and now what? We are in throes of perimenopause, witnessing a transition we never planned for because “ I was never supposed to make it here.”
There is a texture of dissonance which sticks to the roof of your tongue with aging. Parts of you feels the same, and the exterior and interior is changing in real time. Perimenopause—with its brain fog, shifts in moods, and unpredictable cycles—feels like Anansi playing a trick on you. “You mean I dissociated all this time just to deal with *this* wow?”
For people living the legacy of trauma, our bodies sometimes feel like betrayers. We have been taunted with the belief that “we are too much”, and possibly there is no space for our needs—and now, as natural as the change of life is, this added layer can feel like we were never protected. The fatigue, slower cognition, the sudden rage or tears—it can echo old trauma responses, mirroring a time when our bodies felt out of control.
If you’re like me, you may have never imagined yourself at this age. I want to call it grief, but it feels more than that. There can be sadness for your younger self who didn’t believe she’d make it. There can be shame and sadness for the years spent in survival mode. And now, rage for the ways perimenopause confronts us to be embodied in many ways and look at life differently. Now that the future is actually here in the present, we now have to plan how to care for this aging body.
This is the part where I remind you (and myself) that your body is not the enemy. Your body has learned to live despite your thoughts, experiences, pain healing, and laughter. Your body showed up for you, even when you did not have an idea how you were going to get through the day. Perimenopause isn’t the villain; it’s evidence that is a self inside of you, really rooting for you to live!
I say all this, and let me be honest, none of this is easy. Here are some helpful ways I’m navigating this transition with care and curiosity:
1. Triggers have names and sensations – Brain fog can feel like dissociation. Fatigue can feel like depression. Noticing what is hormonal and what is emotional has help me move into action and care.
2. Befriend the Rage – Mood swings can provide flashes of old memories. Instead asking the anger to go away, “I’m learning to ask myself, what is the medicine at this moment.”
3. Nurturing the changes – My younger self was afraid of being disappointed and asking for her needs. Now, I am learning how to tend to this aging body with love and curiosity.
4. Celebrate the self in you – Every hot flash, every gray hair, every new ache is proof: “I am still here”
In moments which feel like you are in the twilight zone, as you weave in and out disbelief of aging and your body moving you forward, know this: You are allowed to be surprised or even shocked. You are allowed to be frustrated and angry. You are allowed to grieve your younger self, and give her all the care in the world right now.
Every moment is change. And change changes you. As you live through this unexpected time, you are reminded you have changed in big and small ways. You are no longer that young person who could not imagine living past her 30th birthday. You are now making plans to have HRT or to try things another way.
You made it to this point, so you get to be here. Allow yourself to experience the full expansion of this change. You might be surprised, some of your symptoms might feel quite liberating.
If you are noticing uncomfortable or complicated feelings while reading this, please reach out to a trusted therapist.
